You may have met a married couple who doesn’t have any children, and thought “What is wrong with that couple?”
And while it’s natural for married couples to “be fruitful and multiply”, not all married couples have children.
But before you approach a childless couple and inquire about their lack of children, take a moment and pause, and avoid asking them this one question at all cost.
One of the most hurtful things you can say to a married couple is “Why don’t you have any children?”
Yes, it may seem like an honest and simple question. Perhaps you are genuinely curious.
But your “simple” question is like a punch in the gut to the family who has been trying to conceive.
Even worse, you may not know all the facts. Perhaps the family was expecting a child and lost it suddenly to a miscarriage.
Or again, maybe they’ve been trying for years to get pregnant, and are deeply struggling with infertility.
In addition, the answer may simply be they have decided not to have children.
The fact of the matter is, you don’t know. And the decision to have children (or not to have children) is deeply personal.
One brave woman wrote about her struggle to conceive on Facebook, begging people to stop asking her when she was going to have children.
Parents reported:
“Trying to conceive isn’t easy unless you are a highly fertile 17-year-old, that could fall pregnant just by talking about it.
The odds of conception and retaining a pregnancy are actually pretty sh**, topped off with the huge amount of people that are reproductively challenged with polycystic ovaries, endometriosis etc etc. And I was one of them….” Barbaro wrote on Facebook.
Barbaro continues on to tell the story of her struggles with IVF, and how she couldn’t help but feel like everyone around her was getting pregnant except her.
She recalls feeling the “time consuming, invasive, expensive and emotionally painful roller coaster” that nearly broke her spirits throughout her journey to conceive…
Many couples will be trying for years. And some may never succeed and my heart goes out to them. And what about the couple that doesn’t want kids? Or the couple that had a child but can’t afford to have another? Or those that have lost little ones? Even though we went through IVF and had such a struggle to have our Harvey, soon after we were asked… ‘so when are you having number two’?
And now that I have two wonderful children and I feel our family is pretty complete, the question still comes….” Barbaro finishes her thought with, “So, next time you go to say that ‘throw away’ comment to the newly weds or the couple that have been together for ten years, be sensitive. Don’t ask them when they are having kids. You never know what’s going on.”
Barbaro’s post is raw and emotional, but it’s a sobering reminder to us all. We don’t know what’s going on. And to speculate or inquire only puts more pressure on the family who may already be deeply struggling.
So ladies, if you see a childless couple, don’t assume the stereotype of thinking they are “selfish” for not wanting to have kids.
Understand that pregnancy isn’t always easy for every woman, and know some women are desperately trying to conceive.
Women need love and support, not criticism.
If you have a friend who has lost a child or has yet to conceive, be available if she needs to talk.
Don’t force or push the issue, but simply by being a warm presence, she may feel comfortable enough to talk through her deeply personal struggle with you.
Have you ever approached a childless couple and asked them when they planned to have children?
Moving forward, will you think differently next time you find the urge to ask a woman when she plans to get pregnant?
Tell us your thoughts in the comments below.
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