“If you don’t clean your room, you’re grounded for a week.”
Today’s parents often grew up with the threat of revoked privileges for not obeying the house rules, and many of us use this old-school method today.
But experts say there’s a better way to teach our kids the consequences of their actions.
The approach is teaching “natural consequences” to actions, and this technique is thought to make a life-long impact.
So how does it work? And does it work?
Instead of using threats to get our kids to do what we ask – which experts say doesn’t work in the long run — the idea is to let kids suffer the natural consequences of their actions.
For example, if your child refuses to eat the dinner you’ve prepared, they don’t eat and will be hungry. If they refuse to wear a coat, they will be cold. Or if they don’t help with their laundry, they will wear dirty clothes to school.
Sounds perfectly reasonable, right? Kids don’t want to be embarrassed or uncomfortable, so this approach does often work.
But there are situations in which we have to tweak the cause and effect of connecting a behavior and its repercussions.
Obviously, we can’t let our child go to school without pants on or eat nothing but candy until their teeth rot.
Natural consequences won’t be appropriate every single time, but in the long run, it appears they do increase responsibility and awareness – and teach all-important life skills.
Jane Nelsen is the author of a series entitled Positive Discipline, and she shares some helpful tips with Parents Magazine.
Nelsen says to consider the “three R’s,” Related, Respectful, and Reasonable.”
Related is making the consequence of an action relate to that action.
For example, if your child tracks mud all over the house after you told them to wipe their feet, they are responsible for mopping the floors.
An unrelated consequence for this would be to take away television or something that has nothing to do with the mud on the floors.
Respectful is an important one, no matter what your disciplinary style.
Children should never be shamed, humiliated, talked down to, or made to feel embarrassed or inferior. This holds true for any kind of disciplinary action.
This means that even though we may want to nag, threaten, or explode when our kids don’t cooperate, we need to keep our cool.
Staying calm, getting down on their level, putting ourselves in their shoes, and talking them through the situation will make them feel like we care about their feelings.
Just like adults, kids don’t want to feel disappointed – or have others disappointed in them.
They want our praise, and they want to feel pride in themselves, so working through it calmly can make a huge difference.
Reasonable means that, as parents, we need to have reasonable expectations and set consequences that are appropriate for their age and skill level.
For example, in the example where the child mops up the muddy floors, we obviously can’t expect a two-year-old to do that.
If your toddler or preschooler makes a giant mess, especially if it’s accidental, like knocking over their milk or dinner plate, let them know that the natural response is that if you make a mess, you need to clean it up.
Very young children can learn these natural consequences when we help them get through the process by offering some assistance.
“Here, let Mommy help you get the mop and we’ll clean this up together,” teaches a young child a valuable skill, and that you also respect them and are here to teach, not to threaten.
Young children may scream and refuse, older kids may yell and talk back, but in each case, a calm, consistent demeanor is key.
Repetition in a calm way and explaining instead of blaming are always good tactics.
It can also be helpful to warn of consequences ahead of time, for example, “If you keep leaving your playdough out to dry up, we will not buy you any more.”
Discipline author Madelyn Swift recommends using “When you” messages instead of “If you don’t” messages.
Instead of “If you don’t pick up your toys, we’re not going to the movies,” say, “When you have picked up your toys, we will be able to leave.”
By putting it this way, she says, “you articulate the principle that you’d probably like your kids to live by: Do what you have to do before doing what you want to do,” as reported by Parents.
The life skill of learning to take care of our things is a valuable one. If your child won’t clean up their legos, they don’t get to play with them – a related consequence.
Once they begin regularly picking up after themselves, they earn the legos back.
This doesn’t just work for material things. It can work to teach mutual respect, perhaps the most important of the three R’s.
If your child throws a fit, yelling and screaming when asked to complete a task, don’t yell back or threaten.
Simply let them know that you’re willing to discuss the situation with them when they’re ready to speak respectfully to you. Until then, you are not available to listen.
And these experts say, “Tell the truth.” If your child has been disrespectful and making poor behavioral choices all day but still wants to watch that movie you planned on watching together, be honest.
“I really don’t like the way you behaved today, and I really don’t feel like watching that movie now. Maybe we can do it tomorrow if you have a better day.”
This teaches the valuable “Golden Rule.” Treat others as you would want to be treated. Kids can – and should – know that we are human and deserve respect and understanding. It works both ways.
There will always be situations that are unpredictable. Not every technique works every time.
Kids are unique, we all have bad days, and sometimes no matter what we do, it just doesn’t go the way we planned.
But by being consistent and calm, and teaching reasonable consequences for behaviors, you’ll be on your way to teaching some vital life skills.
Have you used the “three R’s” in the way you discipline your kids? Leave us your comments.