We are the harshest with the people we love the most, it’s one of the most unsatisfying phenomenon.
Our spouses who we have vowed to love unconditionally for the rest of our lives can get us upset about the trash.
Many arguments seem so trivial when spoken of weeks later, but in the moment your feelings are what are on the line, and no one wants to budge.
Ending the day on a bad note, not only disrupts sleep but puts a damper on the following day until the conflict is resolved.
Whether you know it or not, most arguments aren’t about the subject matter itself, but the feelings underlying it.
Do you feel disrespected, unheard, or unloved?
Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., is a psychologist with a specialty in couples conflict and emphasizes how it’s not the disagreeing with your partner that is hard on the relationship, it is when you invalidate them.
In addition, when you fake agreeing with your spouse during an argument things are only made worse by culminating “disaffection and alienation”, says Seltzer in Psychology Today.
It may seem impossible to validate your spouse when you don’t agree with them, especially if you disagree emphatically, but it is most certainly possible and necessary for long-term marital joy.
Seltzer points out that it is logical to consider all viewpoints as having validity because point of view is subjective.
Psychology Today reported:
“If you want to avoid arguing over something, the task is to listen carefully to your partner’s differing viewpoint, seek to understand what it’s based on, and strive to appreciate its “person-centered” validity. For what your partner is saying can’t be deemed right or wrong as such, but as making sense from their point of view. After all, their perspective will have firmly implanted roots not only in their genetic heritage (i.e., their biology) but also in all the formal and informal learnings they were subject to in growing up—and beyond (i.e., their biography).”
As frustrating as it may be, we should try to accept our spouse’s point of view as valid, just as we see our own position to be so.
When you disagree on something, you can still feel justified, without forcing your position to be their position.
Tell your spouse that you hear them and that you see that they view the situation differently than you.
At that point, consider whether the argument is worth continuing.
Make sure that it isn’t something deeper (disrespect, being unheard, or feeling unloved) that you are trying to make a point of.
In an argument, if you can manage to validate one another’s viewpoints as being legitimate for them, then you are more likely to reach a mutual resolution.
On the other hand, telling your spouse that you think their pick for the new kitchen flooring is “crazy” and “never going to happen”, is not going to end well.
Author of ‘The High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy and Validation’, Alan E. Fruzzetti has “The Validation Rule of Three” which gives direction to conflict resolution:
“Clearly, being invalidated is painful, and breaking the invalidation cycle is difficult. / Not only does validation work, but it works rather quickly. You can think of it as the validation rule of three. That is, if you can find the willingness, the courage, to validate three consecutive times in the face of invalidation, the other person almost always will stop the attack, and his or her own negative reaction (invalidating responses) to you will begin to subside.”
Intentions are important when trying to validate your spouse while still putting your viewpoint out there.
It’s easy to be misunderstood when in an argument because both parties inadvertently put their feelings into what they hear.
When you explain what you meant by your words and actions, it could help resolve the issue.
Beginning with what you see the end goal to be may be an even faster method of positive outcome.
It’s, also, so easy to get defensive when in an argument. Humans naturally try to protect their psyche, so you will naturally do and say things in order not to get hurt.
Try to put your ego aside, which is hard for everybody because it’s something we were born favoring, and hear your spouse’s opposing views as legitimate.
This doesn’t mean to compromise your views or what you want in life, but to consider that your spouse feels just as justified in their opinion.
Put the “rule of three” to practice and see if you can end the evening on the upswing.
Please let us know in the comments section if you have a technique that you use for conflict resolution, or if you see these practices helping you in the future.