Being a mom is the most wonderful job in the world, but it is not always (or ever) easy. And once you’ve made it through the uncomfortable months and months of pregnancy, there will be new challenges to face.
From sleep deprivation to the physical and emotional roller coaster of hormone changes, to learning how to nourish your little one if you decide to breastfeed, the struggle is real.
While breastfeeding is a wonderful bonding experience –and the very best thing for your new little one — many women find it the most difficult part of the newborn phase. Even if it all comes fairly naturally to mom and baby, mom’s need for support and help is greater than ever at this point.
So what happens when the one you should be able to depend on most – the baby’s father – is unsupportive of your breastfeeding journey? One new mom recently posted about this struggle, and the reason for hubby’s opposition left many furious. Café Mom reported:
In her original post, the woman described how her husband makes fun of the son when he cries for milk and has become beyond obsessed with her weight since she gave birth. Just let that sink in…
“My husband wants me to stop breastfeeding my son. We have daughters together, but he makes fun of my son when he cries for me, and says things like ‘he’s such a girl,'” she wrote. “My husband also thinks I should stop breastfeeding because he says it’s stopping me from losing weight. He isn’t open to the idea of talking to a professional about this.”
New moms face many challenges, and many dads may not understand how difficult breastfeeding can be. You are sore, exhausted, and totally responsible for your baby’s nutrition. Imagine, then, not only a lack of support, but your spouse actually insulting your appearance and demeaning the precious gift you are giving your child.
It is bad enough that nursing moms are criticized for feeding their babies in public, so this story of resistance and hostility within her own home is particularly offensive – and response to the post sparked outrage.
But one professional did try to offer the woman some insight to what might really be going on with her husband. And whether or not his behavior arose from his own issues, perhaps these comments offered some degree of support and understanding to this new mom.
Café Mom continued:
Gina Haitidis, who has degree in sociology and criminology, as well as a master’s in both social work and forensic mental health majoring in child psychoanalytic psychotherapy, offered this advice: “Based on what you have chosen to disclose I would say that he is possibly unsure of his role in your family dynamic and relationship,” she wrote. “Your third child is a boy and he as a father possibly has had fantasies surrounding the relationship he would have with his son. It appears (most likely because your son is still very young) that you are living out your husband’s fantasies, but he is not. This could make him somewhat jealous and insecure.”
Breastfeeding Australia, from which the original post came, reported further on Dr. Haitidis’ comments:
“The positive is that he is communicating his needs albeit subconsciously – maybe make him conscious of his remarks and talk through them in a safe unjudgmental way. We are all human at the end of the day, and some people hate the idea of “professional” help – it might be worthwhile considering a different therapeutic approach like going for a long walk together and cultivating your relationship with just the two of you.
I would also suggest encouraging father-son time, something that just they do that you and your daughters don’t participate in, that’s enjoyable.”
Whether or not this hubby meant his comments in the context they were taken, the fact is, they were hurtful to his wife during a vulnerable time. His lack of support surely did not make her breastfeeding journey a positive one, and she will likely be filled with doubt and low self-esteem for her decision to continue nursing.
So what can dads do to support their wives when they are breastfeeding and likely struggling emotionally and physically?
HotandHealthyLife.com has some suggestions for being “Mr. Supportive” while mom is breastfeeding, reminding dad that he is very important to the process:
…your support of your wife in her breastfeeding journey is one of the single, mostimportant factors that will determine her long-term breastfeeding success. In fact, a woman with a supportive spouse is significantly more likely to be breastfeeding at a year than a woman with a less supportive husband.
You might not get to feed the baby right away, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have a role in this new phase of life. Your role is to be Mr. Supportive.Every time she is feeding the baby ask her if you can get her anything. Ask her if you can get her anything to eat, something to drink, something to read. It’s simple.
Wake up in the middle of the night with her. I know…but don’t make her be the only one awake EVERY TIME. You don’t need to get up and start your day, but just roll over, and rub her arm or leg, tell her she is doing an awesome job, ask her if she needs anything. I can PROMISE you that if you lay there sleeping away, she is looking at you plotting all the ways she wants to hurt you in that moment.
Encourage her to take care of herself.Carving out time for sleep, drinking an entire cup of coffee while it’s still hot, exercise, or reading a book does not come naturally for new moms. Encourage your wife to take some time for herself. Moms, if you’re reading this, self-care ISN’T selfish you’ve got to take care of you if you want to have any hope of taking care of everyone else.
New moms are overwhelmed, and having a supportive partner in baby’s dad is essential. Breastfeeding does not mean that dad doesn’t have to help with the baby, and this woman’s plea for answers to her dilemma is proof that help and encouragement can go a long way.
What do you think of this hubby’s outrageous comments to his breastfeeding wife? How would you respond to him? And what encouragement would you give this new mom?
Leave us your thoughts in the comments.